hello again my darlings, i'm here again and it does feel so good to be blogging again. i know i've vowed so much to be more active, and i definately was going to. but a little after my last post some terrible things happened. i've felt so very lost these past few weeks, lonely and hidden away and repressed, too. it's very hard to explain how i feel so soon so forgive the lack of poetry, but suffice to say that i lost someone very close to me and my family far too soon. it was a huge shock and i've never lost anyone in that way before. i've just been drifting through the last couple of weeks; time has melted away really.

does this sort of sadness last forever? i'm not inclined towards the spiritual, really. i like the idea of life in some form after death but i can't see it, much as i'd like to. (i don't like talking about my beliefs much on my blogs; i like a good theological discussion as much as the next person but i don't strive to be controvercial. i have my beliefs, other people have their's. it's the way people are.) am i always going to be carrying this, like a thornbush knitted between my ribs? i don't want to forget, i don't want to not be sad. i suppose all people have this. the sadnesses accumulate. i am allowed to be sad. i don't have to be strong for everyone all the time. when i think of her i will try not to think of white rooms at night but of riding elephants together and feeding it crackers. reading books side by side, lending favorite novels. trips to the beach. watching the children in the pool and cradling the rabbit and visits in the summer that went for hours. i won't forget, not ever. no one is ever wiped off the face of the earth.